Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
