The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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