Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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