if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
