you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
