I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize