I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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