Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
