I wish my penis had an off switch
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
