Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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