Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
