just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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