I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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