i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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