i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
