You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
