hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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