next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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