There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize