dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
