i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
