out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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