I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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