the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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