I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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