Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
