are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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