My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
