Me too!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I cut my penus on the lid.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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