Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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