dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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