There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize