Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
