My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
