We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
