In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
