So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
