my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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