I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Let's get the cat blown out
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
