i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize