i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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