I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
