aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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