I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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