My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
