I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
