It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
