sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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