(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
the raccoons are back...
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