Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
