i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
