saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
