Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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