It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
