She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
