doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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